When the headaches, insomnia and depression hit hard early this summer, I turned inward. I shut out friends, family and even my husband.
I quit making phone calls just to chat and/or check in with people.
I quit making plans with friends.
I let the physical and emotional pain darken my days and rule my world.
Weeks of therapy and anti-depressants helped me get to a point where I could open myself up, if only a little. The chiari diagnosis forced me to open myself up a little more as people reached out to offer support and ask questions.
As surgery came and faded into the past, I took a step backward. I found myself closing up again. Our mandated quarantine shut me off from seeing friends. I made far few phone calls than I should have. I used my low energy as a crutch.
I work now on transitioning from “patient to Amanda” (as my therapist says). It means repairing the relationships I so horribly neglected and navigating through life again. It means not shutting doors and letting myself use my life as an excuse.
It means living my life.
In medical speak, the doctors say my skull is too small for my brain. I like to turn it to my advantage and say my brain is too big for my head. Either way, maybe it will help to spill stuff here.
Inside Amanda's Head 