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Archive for September, 2009

Checking In

I see that someone has settled themselves in nicely around here.  😉

Everyone give a huge shout out to my favorite Flying Monkey for keeping it entertaining and informative around here.  She took me to dinner tonight, bought me a beer and then made me cry.  I’m sure our server thought I was a complete nutjob.

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go (haha!  you can thank me later for getting that beautiful little diddy stuck in your head)…

Well, my bags are packed.

Ready?  Um, that’s a subjective term.  I don’t know if it’s ever really possible to be ready for something like this.

But we hit the road tomorrow morning bright and early.  A convoy of mothers, daughters, a husband, dogs, luggage and duffel bags of anxiety.

I know I’ll get through this.  I have too much to live for to let something like brain surgery stand in my way.

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Dear Amanda,

I’m sorry you have a fat head big brain.

You really should have waited to give me the power. SRSLY.

I want you to take a huge breath in soaking in all the good energy of the world, peace and happiness, images of puppies 6…7…8…okay now exhale all the negative, husbands who wait to the last minute to confirm plans, doctors offices who drop the ball, insurance companies who think Chiari is no big deal and decide to give you last minute hassles…6…7…8…did that work? No? Yeah, I think that yoga lady is full of it too. I’ll buy you a beer tonight and I’ll sneak one in to the ICU on Sunday when I come to visit. Prison style if I have to, well not really. I love you but not that much.

This is a good thing. You will do great. You will feel better. You have a ton of people rooting for you. You can do this.

***This is not Amanda, she said I needed to clarify just in case. In case what? I don’t know.

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Sorry Amanda, I had to test out the power.

I won’t be able to call you on Friday to figure out how to do updates on Word.Press, now will I? I might have waited until 3.25 days before the pistachio gets manhandled but at least I didn’t wait until Thursday night.

You can go about your business.

Move along.
(Surely you have enough nerdy friends that someone gets the reference.)

*insert giant bobble head Marion here*

(You can delete this now, I just wanted to see if my pea brain could figure it out and if you regret picking me. Hahahaha!)

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Initial Preparations

This morning:

Photo 34

This afternoon:

Photo 31

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Answering Questions

There are 2 main questions that I keep hearing over and over again:

  1. How  will I know how surgery goes?
  2. How are you doing?

To answer the first one — we’re going to update as many ways as possible, while putting as little stress on Cris as possible.  As things come up he’ll make phone calls to a handful of people (immediate family and closest friends), send an email update and then word will trickle from there.

One of my wonderful friends has been asked to post updates here on the blog.  After they post, they will show up on Facebook, but it may take a couple of hours.

When Cris gets some time he might add his updates here as well.  When I’m feeling up to the task, and Cris brings the laptop to the hospital, I’ll add my two cents.

So I guess the answer is, to primarily watch here for updates.

In regards to #2.  I’m having brain surgery in 5 days.  I’m starting to freak out.  I’m trying to take time to myself, to spend time with those important to me and to not completely lose it.  There are moments of calm and peace that are unexpectedly punctuated with tears and a desire to hug those I love. And at the same time I look forward to the life that starts after surgery.

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The Push & Pull

My therapy session yesterday left a little to be desired.  I was hoping for some magic words that would help to soothe the anxiety.  The secret to getting through the next week without completely losing my mind.

I feel very alone right now.  It’s ironic that I’m seeing support from so many more angles than I thought possible, but I feel as if I’m walking this journey alone.  To some degree, I am.  I’m the one going through surgery.  I’m the one facing the recovery that lies ahead.  I can talk about what’s going on but few can really understand my thoughts.

It’s even more difficult when you’re reaching for support and others are pulling away.  It makes your solo excursion even more lonely.  I need companionship.  I don’t do lonely well.  At all.

I was hoping that my therapist would help me to figure out how to pull this support back in.  How to get them to help me; how to get them to be here for me.  Selfish, I know.  Instead she told me that I need to give space and allow them their time.  That by forcing closeness it will only push them further away.

It’s hard when you reach out and you feel like you’re only touching emptiness.

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And So It Starts

The care packages, the thinking of you calls and cards, the flowers — they’re starting to trickle in.  Time is winding down and we’re making final preparations to head to Salt Lake City.

The show of support and concern fills my eyes with tears and makes my breath catch in my throat.  I feel like I might not ever be able to express how much it all means to me.

As the anxiety builds, I’ll wrap myself in that support and concern, hoping that the good can put up a stronger fight.

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