Since the appointment in Salt Lake City, I’ve focused my time and attention on the to-do list that seems to be a mile long. I’ve been working my way through phone calls and emails to let people know what’s going on. Trying to figure out lodging for everyone while I’m in the hospital; scheduling family/friends to help with my recovery; looking at Halloween costumes for Kate; coming up with birthday ideas for both her and Cris.
Focusing on this little stuff keeps me from thinking about the overall picture. This trivial stuff allows me to push aside the big scary thoughts about surgery. It allows me to stay busy enough that my eyes don’t fill with tears and my heart doesn’t skip.
My therapist told me that although it’s good I realize what I’m doing, I need to not do it. I need to hand off some of those tasks to Cris and I need to take the time to focus on the fact that I AM having surgery in 34 days.
As hard as I try to avoid thinking about it, with each passing day it creeps closer and I need to be ready emotionally.
Maybe I’ll start thinking about it tomorrow. Maybe. 😉
In medical speak, the doctors say my skull is too small for my brain. I like to turn it to my advantage and say my brain is too big for my head. Either way, maybe it will help to spill stuff here.
I think handing off some of those items on your to do list to Cris is a good thing. Now the kicker is to let him do them his way rather than your way. I know that will be hard for you. Emotionally I am sure you will be ready. Hang in there and face your fears head on- I’ve never known you to turn away from the reality. We’re all here for you.
I can’t even begin to pretend to know how you are feeling, but I’m here to listen.
Did your therapist give you any words of wisdom how to go about “thinking” about it? It seems so overwhelming to think about all at once and I wonder if there are smaller parts to deal with to lead up to really thinking about “it”. (Or maybe I have just been in therapy too long…) (-;
Hugs, my dear…
She said that I need to start by giving myself time to do nothing. No chores, no to-do lists, no phone calls. Just time for myself and my thoughts.
Maybe you need to give yourself a belated birthday present and go get a good relaxing massage too. When I get stressed, thats a great stress reliever once in a while. Love you….
Amanda –
Wow it’s been years since I’ve seen you last, but I think about you often. Kris talks about you a lot and when she told me what was going on, I asked her to send me the web page. Not to make things sound trivial, but you did always have a big brain smarty pants! I pulled out some pictures the other day of you, Shelly Carpenter (Miller) and Kris and I from high school and had a nice little trip down memory lane, then kicked myself for not contacting you earlier. It looks like you have a great support network, and I know we haven’t actually talked in years, but if there is anything I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask. I know you have a lot to deal with both physically and emotionally right now, but if you need anything at all…you just let me know. I will stay in touch. Hugs…
Hope you can enjoy these days….you are one of the most motivated people I know and I understand your drive to get a lot done, but I also hope you ask for help when needed, too. Take care of yourself!